gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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