So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
