Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
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I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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