I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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