I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
