went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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