Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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