My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
