man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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