My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
