i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
