i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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