I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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