textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
