this beer tastes like vomit already
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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