...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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