literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize