It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
