I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
