Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
