dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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