I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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