We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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