would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
