I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
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Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
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Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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