My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
