my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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