roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
