I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
