I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
