i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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