Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Houston, we have a blender
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
