I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We're using joints as your birthday candles
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
