so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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