mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
