There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You can't just leave with hair like that
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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