We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
