Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
