I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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