I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
