I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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