I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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