I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
