i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
