I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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