so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
