A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
