we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
