I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
