Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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