I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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