EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
