Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
