the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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