I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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