forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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