I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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