I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I just had sex on a roof
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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